PNW Identity Crisis

Something funny happened on the way to the Pacific North West. I completely lost my identity. I'd been working on letting go, of everything. Opening up to the new and unexpected. Adventure. The angels kept reminding me: 555. I was looking forward to it. Looking forward to living what we had been thinking. Moving from mind to matter. 

When we got here, the place was better than I had imagined. The natural beauty was intoxicating. Some sort of mysterious heaven on earth. Yet as beautiful as this wonderland is - and it truly is a wonderland - I still felt off. There was still an underlying bleakness within me.


We said 'we'll start again'. And that's what we did. It meant surrendering to everything. Which I was prepared for and thought I had done once I got on that transatlantic British Airways flight with my partner in crime and my babies in the hold. Letting go of your life. It's an interesting concept. It's like dying. It doesn't just mean saying good bye to friends and family and selling your house and closing the book on all the work and time you created for that particular novel. It means saying goodbye to you. If you truly embrace the experience, you let go of your history, your feelings, your story. I don't know if it was because I was older this time around, more set in my ways, because I brought my entire family over with me, because we'd never lived  - let alone been - in the PNW before or because I landed a great job in corporate america (imagine that). And it doesn't even matter why. The truth of the matter is that we decided to change the story - big time - and so the narration had to change too. The idea was to be more open, bigger, grow, expand and give more, give more, give more. 


And then there was nothing more to give away. There was nothing left. And there it was, the identity crisis. Everything I associated myself with in this world, so far, had changed or was gone. We even looked different: my hair went straight, paul shaved his head and is now a rebel spirit soldier. Our bodies felt different. Stronger, tired. Our eyes didn't have the same background in them any longer. They changed colour.  They were ablaze. On fire. Erupting, Big Banging, Giving birth to new constellations. Creating new worlds. And that what was what we came here to do. So we tried our best to look after ourselves, and we did ok. It was hard. But all along our eyes kept gleaming. That was the check-in.  And that is how I know we were doing the right thing. I delved deep into paul's eyes and my own reflection in the mirror, and even Bixo's. And what I saw there mesmerised me. It was the unknown. Like the message in the fire: you see it and you feel it. You understand it and you don't, but you can't look away. My cat's eyes: He told us we were all still there. Connected. Alive. Now, more than ever.


As I sit here, on the first morning of the year 5778, one day before the Autumn Equinox, everything has fallen into place. We've been here for 16 months. It feels like an entire lifetime. I guess that's what happens when you reinvent yourself. I forgot.  And when I say reinvent, I mean it.  That is all you are ever here to do. Where ever you do it. However you do it. Just watch your world unfold for you and observe. It's truly the most spectacular event you will ever take part in on this earth. 


We Are the Angels

We are the angels we were waiting for.

We were all seeing it. Moving into the light. The White Light. Our future and our freedom. Then the day came when the bomb was dropped and we knew it was all over. 

We were moving into Fluidity. It had been coming for a while. We were experienced at losing form. It was a new skill that had been taught to us by the ancients and the elders and all those who came before us. Nothing new to it, really. 

We could dissolve time and split space within our physical bodies. It was a tearing open and a tearing apart. Like melting snowflakes. Trillions of tiny crystals breaking down and shifting. Icicles, particles, tears and fears. That's what we boiled down to.

Worlds were moving in and out of themselves, Twisting and churning into cosmic butter and silky smooth slides in deep space. We called them black holes and negative landscape. Except we took it to mean in a bad way when really it was referring to becoming so fully charged you entirely lose your self.  And with that you wake up and are delivered back into the warm bosom of the infinite whole once again. Forever.  Abstract. A thought. A stream of consciousness. The drop in the ocean. One small, short beautiful cycle of breath.  We were teasing ourselves and pulling back.  The time, we knew, it would come.  


Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat.
My shoulder is against yours.
You will not find me in stupas, not in Indian shrine rooms,
not in synagogues, nor in cathedrals:
not in masses, nor kirtans, not in legs
winding around your own neck, 
nor in eating nothing but vegetables
When you really look for me, you will see me instantly -
you will find me in the tiniest house of time.
Kabir says: Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath.

translated by Robert Bly
"Risking Everything: 110 Poems of Love and Revelation"
edited by Roger Housden

Anything You Want, You've Got It.

Guess what? 

I just realised, uh-gain, that you can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, we know this.  Those of us who practice think we really know it. We know when we make ritual it is to celebrate and honour spirit. But the day to day grind does sometimes get in the way.  The very earthliness of this existence pulls you down and makes you...well, human. To some extent at least. 

We are constantly choosing and choosing once again, often without ever truly thinking too much about why.  But pause for a moment and ask yourself this:  What in my life have I done differently to others, by following my heart?   And more importantly: How did it make you feel?  Didn't it feel WONDERFUL?! Weren't you free and growing and expanding and simply being and becoming more you?! More of the real you? That larger-than-life-connected-to-all you? If your answer no, you gotta move to something that makes you say yes. And that's where we need to be heading. That is the direction that you were born to move in, the one that moves you. 

So here's what happened. I've gotten to 39 without having birthed children. By this age, people don't ask as often anymore if I have any or if I want any either because a) they are exhausted with the very thought of their own energetic baby bugs waiting to be picked up from school, then football club, then dinner, then homework, then bath time and *sigh* the idea of not having them - even just for one day - seems like a wonderful vacation and perhaps even rather sensible in hindsight. They get how not having kids could potentially just be generally easier and less of a compromise, simply because it would be more about them and their needs and desires over anyone else's. That's a fact. And b) people don't want to hurt your feelings because they presume there 'might be something wrong' because 'you left it too late' i.e. your eggs are shriveled up an your sperm is sleepy. Which might be true but is besides the point. 

When I think about it, the option to not have kids was never an option. Having a family with someone you love, that is what happens.  I love kids and they - heck, they love me too. They absolutely adore Paul. He's a total natural. So you get to equating (literally: 1 +1 therefore equals = 3)  that means you've got to make them part of your life in that way, you know, by having them. We never really understood - until now - that not forcing them into your life, that's an option too. Perhaps a better one. 

Something moms always use to say to me was: 'Don't have kids until you've done everything you want to do'.  That's great advice but it was also rather disheartening because I will never stop having things I want to do. 

Don't get me wrong, I have had many-a-moon of hoping and praying that this WOULD be the month. I told myself: The stars have aligned, it feels right this time, the Sun Sign of the kid would be a perfect match for us. Our child is ready to be born.  That means WE have finally been initiated to the realm of certified angelic baby approval. They want to come down and grace us with their presence. They want to come out of our flesh and bones. But they have something else in mind for us.  And for a while I thought that was a direct spiritual reflection upon us. We just weren't there yet.  In moments of frustration and utter resignation, Paul has said to me: 'Honestly, I've been a daddy hundreds of times, maybe even thousands. Remember?'  And I do.  This time around, it can be different. I choose again.

We haven't birthed children not because we didn't want any, not because we were too geriatric to reproduce, not because we didn't try - because we did, but just because. Because that is what has happened. 

And guess what? It's bloody fucking fantastic. The option, the possibility, the alternative life that has opened up to us is ginormous. It's contagious and magnificent. The FREEDOM! The world, the adventures, the opportunities that are on this side of life - are FAR better than I could've ever imagined. How about that then? I can travel frequently, or build a business, focus on my spiritual growth, go back to school, stay out late drinking, wear sexy clothing and actually feel sexy in them, go away for a month long retreat and answer to no one.. I can sleep through the night. I can spend that spare $1000 on me. All of it, on me. I can do grown up things. All the time. And I can be childlike too. I can do absolutely anything I want. Think about it: Anything.  People call this 'selfish' and in my view it's self-full. It's the essential self care that I don't see my beloved parent-friends getting much of or having much time for.

If we could all just care more about ourselves, everyone would be looked after. 

Just like goddess Aditi, whose name means 'limitless' 'unfettered' I understand her bounty to be the infinite sky and the boundlessness of time and space however I please.  Aditi offers this expansive perspective – one in which we are citizens of eternity.  She is also a strong and mighty deity often referred to as Mother Space. As such, Aditi is credited with giving birth to the planets, the Adityas - associated with the twelve zodiac signs -  and the stars, which in turn tie her to the seven dimensions of the cosmos.  Kindda right up my alley right?  She brought to life all plants, animals and humans and is therefore regarded as 'the guardian of all life'. She is sometimes depicted in the guise of a cow (I am a Taurus) considered deeply honourable due to the very nurturing parallel.(  

And now I know. Now I know it is a direct spiritual reflection. We have been granted the freedom to do whatever the fuck we want. It is an honour and a privilege. There is no obligation to limit or constrain ourselves, even in the slightest way.  I am not saying that's what having kids does - because I wouldn't know - I'm just saying any type of constraint or manipulation of yourself into something that simply is not,  just isn't for you. At least not now. 

We are all Mama. In any way it fits. 




What Am I Doing Here?

*Angel Card  - Diana Cooper*

It's official. I have been sent here back from the future. I'm not sure it's the future, it might be the past. I say 'future' because the place where I come from is beyond hostility, beyond war, beyond suffering. We've learned our lesson. Destructive thinking was the end of us. 

Many of us are falling apart at the seams, the terror on our faces ripping out our hearts. Terrorism. Terror. Listen to that. What a word. We created a world around that horrific word. Built a society on terror which is worse than fear. Terror is pain and suffering and literal blood and tears. Physical pain. The  most unnecessary type. 

So with every colour shape and thought projecting inside me, I Projected Out. We figured a few things out. Like listening in on the stillness. Disintegrating the boundaries of physicality. At all times following Heart. It told us to come back to the West Coast, where I was born.  And it feels right. I don't quite know what this place has in store for me, but it was my job to get here. So we did. And those boys, ah those pet boys of mine. They are the pack, my tribe. They've taught me to find my way. Trained me to be a better person. 

This person I answer to called Verite, I have been creating her for 39 years now. REinventing her over and over. She's got some good things to say now. She's found a way to decode the message. Turn it into Human. A communicator. A story teller. A message bringer. Connected to the Cosmos. Like the all of you. Something interesting emerged out here. It's a new yet familiar story. Something you remember. Sleeper agents awake,tHIS is the purpose.  Putting out our SOS in whichever way you do. Broadcasting something, somehow to the past. Like a time boomerang. A space hop. A Teleportation. The Language of Us -  Pauly called it the other day.

Hold light. Open space. Move it around. Shwoosh. Breathing in and breathing out. It really is that simple. Move it through you. Like a school of fish keep coursing together, don't get stuck in this confinement. It's force is strong. Learn to use the gravity to propel you even further into trajectory. Back where we were heading. Moving through this glitch in time like a dam, that we've now broken through. We collide and that is what brought us together. We imploded. So much chaos and opposing forces sooner or later it was inevitable. We were heading for self destruction. I always called us an autoimmune disease. We kept attacking ourselves.  Then somewhere along the line the body started feeling pain. Agonising pain. Self inflicted. It caused us to question what we had been doing all this time. Where were we heading? We didn't know it - but we died trying to figure it out. And the answer was there all along. 

Generation 'X' we were called. 'X' in algebra representing the unknown value that needs to be found; a variable. I never listened to any of that bullshit though. The people calling us those very names were the people creating our downfall. They served their purpose. They brought the worst of us to our attention. They made us understand that we were malleable. Impressionable, Creative and Thoughtful. But it worked the reverse on some of us. It made us rigid and small and narrow minded. Yet all along, our hearts kept beating as one: that school of fish swimming steadily along, a great big flock of birds, a peaceful pod of whales. We were no different. Just another stream of consciousness. And when we realised this, we snapped. The power was too much for some. It took over. 

No one wanted to read anymore. Not even this. The way out had to come in a different shape. So we became telemphathic. We spoke in the silence. We closed our eyes and tuned in. And there at the very centre of us was infinity. We played with learning the time loop. Riding rainbows. Shifting  space. Whilst all along staying firmly rooted in our human bodies. It was a freedom, an escape and a way home. A way back.  

So here I am. Back from the future. You've heard the story before. Hell, you're living it. I don't need to remind you. We all know what happens.

Who will be the healer?

Oregon, I think I love you.

I think I like to get a big  shot of antioxidants once every two weeks. In the form of red wine.  And I think, I've just about hit my quota.  Hello readers, welcome to the Harvest.

As I let the cat out this afternoon into the backyard, I was mesmerised by the way the leaves hissed off the trees here in a humid climate. It's warm and they are burning up. Red and Yellow. Red and yellow everywhere.

We're rolling in the deep with Oregon. It's  got us and I love the way it feels.  

I was speaking to my mom this morning, telling her I would call her back if she didn't mind, I was doing some shopping, preparing a slow stew for dinner so needed to get it all in the pot so it would melt down.  Would it be OK if I call her back? Of course she says. And when I do she is buzzing, and so am I. She's had beer and so have I. It's only 3pm. The apple leaf doesn't fall far from the tree. Thankfully. I am so grateful to be able to enjoy this life more and more each day.

Because you get to be here. 

So Im speaking with momma and I tell her 'I think I love it here' and she smiles through the receiver. I hear it. She replies 'Hmm....I knew you would. I just really knew you would -'

I cut her off: 'It's just so beautiful out here.' I continue. She says ' You know how I felt out there? It felt that Oregon loves you'.

Oregon loves you. It REALLY loves you.  Who knew?

 Then last night as I draw the beautiful long canvas curtains in our bedroom to a close - the moonlight!  The white beams are streaming in like headlights. It's days before the Aries full moon of October 16th , yet the lunar light on this side of the world is so much brighter already. Always. It rains, there are downpours but somehow it's not so opaque. Things somehow become clearer when it rains here, it does't blur like it does back home in the UK. Yes, I still call it home. Or maybe I have grown pleasantly accustomed to it making everything so bright and glossy. Enjoy the explosion of colours, the sprinkling of red and yellow stars, maples. So many maples. The colour. The new sound and tastes and textures. I'm falling in love.

We've Moved to the West Coast

We've made the leap and hopped waaaay across the pond.  

Please bear with me as I gain my bearings - I might not be able to get back to you as quickly as usual.  

Stay tuned for lots and lots of cozy autumn treats coming your way from this magnificent Pacific Wonderland.

As ever, lots of love.


Verite xo

So Here We Are. Falling Back into Shakti.

Aha. That just happened.

We unravelled our life in the UK. Our perfectly comfortable, well adjusted, what some might even consider 'well to do' life, and sold it down the river.

We have been guided by Light. Listening into it's silent nightly whispers upon a full moon.  

What do you want with me? I ask during prayer and communion.

The Natural World answers:

Watch me as I move . Watch me as I grow.

Lay with me when I am quiet. Pour with me when I fall.

Somersault with me when I tumble. Rolling wave upon wave upon wave. 

Call it whatever you may, in every dialect.

But watch me as I move and see how I grow.

Ripen, as do I

and wither when I do.

And with answers like that...well.

Listen to your prayers. Hear them speak to you. Telling you what to do. The message is being broadcast 24-7. It's on auto loop. Your job is to get yourself back into resonance. You are noise. You are the humm. You are the universal drone. Listen to yourself speak. You are the creative manifest of being. The world is literally at your fingertips. Press them together lightly. Close that circuit. Feel the Mudra-Message. 

What is it you wanted?

Touch upon it. Gently. And literally. Activate Trust. You KNOW what you are. 

Soar, fly, dance, dive. Burn. And be Reborn. 

Peace xo

There Is No Such Thing As Losing

Yep.  You read that right. There is no such thing as losing. 

From a spiritual sense, there is nothing ever TO lose.  Everything and anything is forever being granted, ushered, swept, delivered and directed IN YOUR FAVOUR. Always. All ways.  

All you have to do is choose it.

We are brought here to flourish. 

We're Moving

So finally (!) we're back on track.  Phew, that was some testing times, these last few months, let me tell ya.  You know, when you decide to do something, - something 'big' in this life, like sell up, get rid of everything, move your family half way across the world to a place you have never even been before all only on a gut feeling and you know you are ready for it, ready for the challenges and experiences that will be presented for you to move and grow through - then Life Really Cracks Out The Good Stuff.  And when I say good, I mean the learning curves, the things you've got to put all of yourself into to keep breathing.

The physical tension was making us so very stiff, in the body. The flexibility required, took us back and forth between the extremes of Earth and Supreme. Matter and Non-Matter. Good lessons for sure, and physically strenuous.  Our muscles were seizing up and our joints were cracking and popping like Rice Crispies (Vata Vata Vata). Sure we do yoga and meditate every day, and thank dog we do, we'd be in worse shape if we didn't.  Paul has lost about a stone in weight and neither of us have been sleeping well.  But we put all our faith and belief into our conviction and we keep breathing.

We chant mantra and ask the angels for guidance. We carry crystals and gems in our pockets. I turn to Ganesh to help remove these superficial obstacles. We remind ourselves to release, release, Real Ease...and then it happens.  Just like that, The sun comes out one morning and the phone rings, with good news. We can  almost hardly believe it. We're on our way. Delays shift and the full Virgo 'death' moon brings righteous order to our worldly existence once again. For now anyway.

We're moving to the West Coast. I'm coming home.


Now breathe.