I just realised, uh-gain, that you can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, we know this. Those of us who practice think we really know it. We know when we make ritual it is to celebrate and honour spirit. But the day to day grind does sometimes get in the way. The very earthliness of this existence pulls you down and makes you...well, human. To some extent at least.
We are constantly choosing and choosing once again, often without ever truly thinking too much about why. But pause for a moment and ask yourself this: What in my life have I done differently to others, by following my heart? And more importantly: How did it make you feel? Didn't it feel WONDERFUL?! Weren't you free and growing and expanding and simply being and becoming more you?! More of the real you? That larger-than-life-connected-to-all you? If your answer no, you gotta move to something that makes you say yes. And that's where we need to be heading. That is the direction that you were born to move in, the one that moves you.
So here's what happened. I've gotten to 39 without having birthed children. By this age, people don't ask as often anymore if I have any or if I want any either because a) they are exhausted with the very thought of their own energetic baby bugs waiting to be picked up from school, then football club, then dinner, then homework, then bath time and *sigh* the idea of not having them - even just for one day - seems like a wonderful vacation and perhaps even rather sensible in hindsight. They get how not having kids could potentially just be generally easier and less of a compromise, simply because it would be more about them and their needs and desires over anyone else's. That's a fact. And b) people don't want to hurt your feelings because they presume there 'might be something wrong' because 'you left it too late' i.e. your eggs are shriveled up an your sperm is sleepy. Which might be true but is besides the point.
When I think about it, the option to not have kids was never an option. Having a family with someone you love, that is what happens. I love kids and they - heck, they love me too. They absolutely adore Paul. He's a total natural. So you get to equating (literally: 1 +1 therefore equals = 3) that means you've got to make them part of your life in that way, you know, by having them. We never really understood - until now - that not forcing them into your life, that's an option too. Perhaps a better one.
Something moms always use to say to me was: 'Don't have kids until you've done everything you want to do'. That's great advice but it was also rather disheartening because I will never stop having things I want to do.
Don't get me wrong, I have had many-a-moon of hoping and praying that this WOULD be the month. I told myself: The stars have aligned, it feels right this time, the Sun Sign of the kid would be a perfect match for us. Our child is ready to be born. That means WE have finally been initiated to the realm of certified angelic baby approval. They want to come down and grace us with their presence. They want to come out of our flesh and bones. But they have something else in mind for us. And for a while I thought that was a direct spiritual reflection upon us. We just weren't there yet. In moments of frustration and utter resignation, Paul has said to me: 'Honestly, I've been a daddy hundreds of times, maybe even thousands. Remember?' And I do. This time around, it can be different. I choose again.
We haven't birthed children not because we didn't want any, not because we were too geriatric to reproduce, not because we didn't try - because we did, but just because. Because that is what has happened.
And guess what? It's bloody fucking fantastic. The option, the possibility, the alternative life that has opened up to us is ginormous. It's contagious and magnificent. The FREEDOM! The world, the adventures, the opportunities that are on this side of life - are FAR better than I could've ever imagined. How about that then? I can travel frequently, or build a business, focus on my spiritual growth, go back to school, stay out late drinking, wear sexy clothing and actually feel sexy in them, go away for a month long retreat and answer to no one.. I can sleep through the night. I can spend that spare $1000 on me. All of it, on me. I can do grown up things. All the time. And I can be childlike too. I can do absolutely anything I want. Think about it: Anything. People call this 'selfish' and in my view it's self-full. It's the essential self care that I don't see my beloved parent-friends getting much of or having much time for.
If we could all just care more about ourselves, everyone would be looked after.